Ugh, this thing is mushy as hell. In my mouth it feels like something that maybe used to be a solid in the scientific sense, but now it’s mid-transformation to a liquid at the bottom of an ocean. I’ve had this banana bunch three days and it already has bruising. YOU’VE DONE NOTHING BUT SIT IN MY HANGING BASKET, ass hole, how are you bruised? I swear, it was a perfect bunch when I brought it home, all greenish and smooth and on its journey to ripen. I was ready to tackle Frootcamp with a beloved tropical fruit that would likely be the least of my burden. But then you had to be bruised, mushy, and altogether banana-like in my mouth.
Why does everyone like you? Why do the Bluths have an entire business based around you? Why does everyone want to put you in their ice cream and pancakes? Those sugary carb havens are perfect by themselves without being tainted by your presence. I thought eating you for a week might help me understand, but I am no closer to learning your secrets than before. A bunch of great things are named after you, banana. Banana slugs, for instance. Banana peppers. And delicious things regularly rise from the ashes of your ruined, dead remains, like banana bread. So, my question is this: why must you suck so much in your true form?
Despite my qualms I’ve now successfully eaten bananas for breakfast, paired with my trusty vanilla Activia (thanks for your concern for my bowels, Jamie Lee Curtis!), for four weekdays in a row. To commemorate my first day I wrote a (non-syllabic rule conforming) haiku:
I tried a banana today
I delt with it and finished the entire fruit
Indeed, even though it’s Week 2, apple week wasn’t really “progress”, as I can eat the shit out of an apple crisp when I smother it in brown sugar, and truth be told I picked up an apple habit 6 months ago during my intensified workout regimen. I consider tackling the radioactive mush that is a banana to be my first sign of true progress. Actually… I have a long history with bananas in cloth form. I inherited a banana suit from a college friend in 2008. I then proceeded to wear it to townhouse parties, Halloween drinkathons, and two separate anime conventions, because…. who doesn’t like someone in a full body banana suit? No one, that’s who.