Elevator Etiquette

Dear every other sir with whom I share the elevator,

Your outdated, sexist “etiquette” is obnoxious not only because I am a modernist and feminist, but mainly because it is completely unreasonable and inefficient. Taking the elevator doesn’t have to be frustrating, but it’s made that way by blockheads like yourself. The following example is just the icing on a very tall cake, but it’s the funniest one to date, and so I’ll share. I was the first person on board and so naturally was in the back of the elevator.  I was even carrying over-sized, cumbersome boxes. But you are always so persistent–you’re the type who would linger by the entrance until the fucking door closes again and we get sent back down to the bottom before you get the fuck out. So, you were waiting for me to exit first…. even though you’re in the front; even though you’re half-blocking the door. Oh, my boxes knocked over your lunch as I tried to squeeze past you? That was the most predictable outcome in the world, which is why I rolled my eyes at you when you insisted I leave first. Please hold common sense higher than your 1950s sexist dogma and get. the. fuck. out of the elevator if you are the closest person to the door. It just makes sense. Unless you know that the only way I’m scooting past your over-sized lummox of a self is by brushing my boobs against you. Is that the goal? Perhaps for a few, but there must also be some outdated “ladies first” nonsense to it, as the skinny men treat me the same way without the possibility of ever receiving “boob brush”…. It is 2013, and beyond the dogma I would hope that people paid such ample salaries as most of my colleagues at least would have enough sense to realize how incredibly stupid it is to wait for me to squeeze past if we’re getting off at the same goddamned floor. Why? Why complicate the easiest thing in the office–transitioning floors? Reason #45678 why sexist “etiquette” is quintessentially ridiculous and needs to die out already.



About Marpoo

Purveyor of sass and unsubstantiated rhetoric. View all posts by Marpoo

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