A pox on your houses, all ye whom I loathe

I am blunt and unforgiving. I have standards to which I hold the people of this particular region of the world. I am a Darcy. Do these, and I will sneer and never forget.

People who think pictures of their kids covered in tiny pieces of food is adorable. It’s not adorable. It is gross.

People who clap or high five the jokester while they laugh.

People who insist on frequently using direct address in written media and then doing so incorrectly. You look like an idiot.YOU NEED THE COMMA. IT IS THE VERY CRUX OF DIRECT ADDRESS.

People who back into parking spaces. I’m talking to you. It takes three times longer and holds everyone up behind you. I like to pull into the space immediately after the person passes it. I’m parked and locking the car door by the time his or her reverse lights even come on! There’s middle fingers and shouting, but I won’t see it because I’m already walking into the store. THAT’S how stupid backing-in is.

People in the office who shout into phones to the extent that the entire hall cannot focus because all we hear is your blood curdling project updates.

People who think they’re “so ugly, hahaha” or “soooo fat, hahaha” in their facebook selfie that they clearly spent 40 minutes prepping for. Don’t giggle like it’s no thang. There’s nothing worse than a premeditated selfie.

No, you know what’s worse? People who take the same tongue out, deer-in-the-headlights selfies every day to show people how “quirky” they are. Oh, you’ve got your tongue out! That means you totes mcgoats don’t care what people think! I also know this because the description of your photo is “I totes mcgoats don’t care what people think of me!” Nevermind that you clearly spent thirty minutes prepping for this photo – fresh outfit, carefully placed and tilted hat, three layers of eye makeup, and skin so orange I know you’ve been dropping dollars at the tanning salon for months. But you–for sure–don’t care what people think.

People who don’t know the answer at pub trivia who then go “ooooh”, “of course”, “mmhmm” after nearly every answer in a futile attempt to appear retroactively knowledgeable.

Jaywalkers. Just, jaywalkers.

People thoroughly preoccupied with others perceiving them as alternative/unique to the extent that they stamp even mundane, average activities with terms like “crazy”, “ultra geeky”,  “we can’t go anywhere!”, “who lets us out in public? gigglegiggle” Yes, you must be soooo crazy and unique. I’m sure there aren’t billion dollar industries built around the alternative multiverses of grunge, punk, yoga, krunch, or anything. Also, way to demean the struggles of actual handicapped folks with your giggling, wide-eyed newsblasts to others that you’re just too cRaZy and interesting to ignore!

People who realize they have the right-of-way, yet decide to make things take longer for everyone in order to wave through drivers who are otherwise correctly yielding. Right-of-way exists because it is efficient and [can be] universally understood. Your whims are not universally understood.

People too bashful to even stand in a line at the counter anywhere. Oh, you were in line? How could I possibly have known that? You are literally standing 5 yards away from the person “in front” of you. Literally, not figuratively. If you’d like me to not “cut in line”, could you maybe not leave two car lengths between yourself and the register?

People who know literally nothing as they pundit me. I am using the word literally here to mean literally, not figuratively. They LITERALLY know nothing about the topic they supposedly feel passionately about as they try to pundit at me. As in, I know more about the topic from twenty seconds of googling than they do from their passive viewing of a news channel opinion piece or overhearing some idiotic conversation from equally uninformed people. Trust me, I like to pundit as much as the next person, but it does require an interest level slightly above “heard someone else mention that they heard it on the nightly news…..”

Creationists. This needs no explanation. I met one for the first time a few weeks ago, by the way. It was, erm, entertaining? Depressing? Worrisome?

About Marpoo

Purveyor of sass and unsubstantiated rhetoric. View all posts by Marpoo

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