Thanksgiving to Christmas Is For Tolkien Weekends


The Bloat: An Unexpected Trilogy, The Desolation of CGI, and The Battle of the Five Rotten Tomatoes

I don’t buy anything but groceries and gas these days, but on Cyber Monday the extended Hobbit series was on ultra clearance, and I went for it. It’s a love/hate relationship with this series, but mostly love these days. Let’s watch and react:

  • Gandalf’s complete disregard for Bilbo’s firm “No”s is a bit disturbing. Bilbo very clearly declined these adventures, and multiple times at that. I am uncomfortable.
  • The randy, uncouth uncle from Outlander is a dwarf. It works.
  • Hobbit meals make me incredibly hungry. In fact, I’ve made a second dinner while watching.
  • Fav new character: Sebastian the hedgehog.
  • Naked CGI dwarves bathing and spanking each other in a Rivendell fountain was the extended scene we didn’t know we didn’t want until it already existed.
  • Yessss, they brought Figwit back for the Hobbit. Oh my god. The extended edition is everything.
  • The exteded Rivendell council scene makes so much more sense than the patched oddity that I saw in the theater. In fact, there is so much exposition and character illumination in Rivendell that was cut in the theatrical, and yet Peter kept the rock battle and 40 minutes of goblins. Please. Peter, get your life together.
  • Middle-aged, CGI-smoothed Legolas just makes me uncomfortable. Some things should be left alone.
  • The memes are right: Bard looks more like Orlando Bloom than Orlando Bloom does.
  • Mordor’s mountains can’t possibly be a natural formation. It’s too squarelike. Sauron must have done something magical to bring that about in his heyday. Update: This geologist agrees.
  • Tauriel and Legolas rode from Erebor… the castle of Angmar…. and then back to Erebor in a few days. Nein. No. That is literally half of the west-to-east expanse of the Middle Earth map and then back again. Nope. This is Game of Thrones levels of time travel.
  • You guys, Legolas is riding a giant bat over mountaintops. This has gotten out of hand.
  • At the end of Battle of the Five Armies, Legolas finally… after six movies… runs out of arrows. It’s the only easter egg I’ve ever cared about. Thank you, Peter.
  • Things I didn’t want from the Hobbit series but received anyway: Alfrid’s unibrow.
  • Fun fact: If you took a shot every time you heard a Wilhelm scream in a Peter Jackson series, you’d be dead.
  • The weakest part about An Unexpected Journey is the utter lack of Thranduil.



About Marpoo

Purveyor of sass and unsubstantiated rhetoric. View all posts by Marpoo

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