Week 1 on Bumble

It had been over a year, so Cyan convinced me to download an app and try again. Ehhhh. Okay. What harm can it do?

Here’s how it’s going so far. So, I’m a man on a dating site. I am either a medical sales rep or a financial adviser, but either way I definitely have a pic of myself at machu picchu.  (Seriously, every fourth swipe has one. Where do they get the money? I have to drive Lyft at night if I want to buy groceries the next day.)

Here are the other pics on my hypothetical online dating dude page:

  • me posing next to my dog (why does every man in their thirties have a dog? I can smell the wet dog wafting from your photostream)
  • me with my favorite sports team jersey
  • me in my bathroom mirror
  • me on another mountain (okay but I like the mountain ones :D)
  • me at dinner with my ex cropped out (I like these too because the food always looks good. Moar food pics!)
  • me next to my more attractive friend (who’s your friend? Is he on here?)
  • Me holding a dead bass next to my head
  • me holding a child that makes you think boy he has that hot dad look and then “NIECE/NEPHEW” in the comments that promises you won’t be a homewrecker

Stepping back from the satire for a moment, real talk: I am getting suspicious of the men of Bumble. Many of them are incredibly hot–stop swiping and just make noises with your teeth levels of hot. So, I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with them that they’re on here swiping for strangers. Chauvinists? Narcissists? Chronic bad breath? A persistent lisp? Racist? Generally intolerable IRL? Why can’t they find love without algorithms? I’m swiping their tight asses and topknots, to be sure. But….. the grains of salt I’m collecting along the way could season a Thanksgiving dinner.

Update: I figured out why they are undateable. It’s dick pic city out here. Y’all, this is not how you talk to women 😂 (Also, you’re giant viking dudes, we know what it’s going to look like. On top of rude it’s just completely unnecessary.)

About Marpoo

Purveyor of sass and unsubstantiated rhetoric. View all posts by Marpoo

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