Author Archives: Marpoo

About Marpoo

Purveyor of sass and unsubstantiated rhetoric.

Facebook is a Cesspool


saw this today; eyes rolled back so hard I almost fell

At least we know that none of the figures in this painting authored the document in the first place 😂

How can these people be so proud to have strong convictions about a few lines of text they know so little about? Can they name even three other amendments? Just three! How about identifying the most important ones, like the one that abolished slavery and the one that granted women the right to vote? $100 says they can’t.

Every “gun rights” pontiff on the Constitution, in summary: “Militia? Naw, the 2nd amendment definitely says we all have the right to bear arms and junkz. I haven’t read it since middle school, but I am 110% sure that’z whut it sayz. And there’s, like, some other amendments too, but I dunno what they are. The 2nd is the MOST important to me, a white person under no threats whatsoever.”

Week 1 on Bumble

It had been over a year, so Cyan convinced me to download an app and try again. Ehhhh. Okay. What harm can it do?

Here’s how it’s going so far. So, I’m a man on a dating site. I am either a medical sales rep or a financial adviser, but either way I definitely have a pic of myself at machu picchu.  (Seriously, every fourth swipe has one. Where do they get the money? I have to drive Lyft at night if I want to buy groceries the next day.)

Here are the other pics on my hypothetical online dating dude page:

  • me posing next to my dog (why does every man in their thirties have a dog? I can smell the wet dog wafting from your photostream)
  • me with my favorite sports team jersey
  • me in my bathroom mirror
  • me on another mountain (okay but I like the mountain ones :D)
  • me at dinner with my ex cropped out (I like these too because the food always looks good. Moar food pics!)
  • me next to my more attractive friend (who’s your friend? Is he on here?)
  • Me holding a dead bass next to my head
  • me holding a child that makes you think boy he has that hot dad look and then “NIECE/NEPHEW” in the comments that promises you won’t be a homewrecker

Stepping back from the satire for a moment, real talk: I am getting suspicious of the men of Bumble. Many of them are incredibly hot–stop swiping and just make noises with your teeth levels of hot. So, I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with them that they’re on here swiping for strangers. Chauvinists? Narcissists? Chronic bad breath? A persistent lisp? Racist? Generally intolerable IRL? Why can’t they find love without algorithms? I’m swiping their tight asses and topknots, to be sure. But….. the grains of salt I’m collecting along the way could season a Thanksgiving dinner.

Update: I figured out why they are undateable. It’s dick pic city out here. Y’all, this is not how you talk to women 😂 (Also, you’re giant viking dudes, we know what it’s going to look like. On top of rude it’s just completely unnecessary.)

Spotify is dangerous, kids.

Oh man. Storytime. I innocently fell in love with a silky smooth singing progressive rock band (Wytch Hazel, if you’re curious). I’ve been jamming to them smiting mighty demons, conquering in battle, and crowning their mighty king for two days. It finally hit me: Waaait. This is one mighty king in particular.

So, this is totally a Christian rock band 😒. They reel you in with that baritone crooning and the guitar licks of Satan, and before you know it you’re knocking on your neighbor’s door asking them about their relationship with skylords.

Oh well, I guess I love Christ now. Can I call him Christ? Or is it The Christ? Whaddup, The Christ? No, that’s way too formal.

God damn it. My band of the week is a Christian Rock Band singin’ about psalms. This is new territory.


Bad Habits

I’ve pulled enough all-nighters at work to know the exact moment I’ll be kicked off the server for it’s nightly backup routine (4:48) for approximately 25 to 35 minutes, also known as forced naptime. And let me say, this morning’s forced naptime. was. glorious.



Dear world,

On this, my 31st trip around the sun, I want to announce that I am undyingly devoted to my weird-ass friends, who fill every day with laughter, previously unsaid sentences in human history, and utter happiness. I wouldn’t trade a single bizarre moment with these hooligans for a million bucks, and I don’t spew wholesome content like this nearly often enough to deserve them. Now, let’s go drink beer and throw axes in the forest while blasting Swiss folk metal.

P.S.: Pour one out real quick for this year’s starter kit.

31 Starter Kit

Ladies and gentlemen, take this wisdom

I learned this lesson as a wee lass, but I pass it down to you, the next generation.


It seems like a good idea when you’ve got nothing going on. I assure you, it isn’t. Back away from the stud from accounting and rethink your life. Even a decade down the line, that fateful day/week/month fling will still annoy the shit out of you.

Day 402

In Trump’s America, where knowing nothing about the world beyond the tip of your own nose is a compliment rather than an insult, I think about how we got here. While wallowing in the willful stupidity of this era’s heralds and princes, I often flashback to funny moments where my family exhibited the same confident ignorance that’s become an American cliche. For example, one time my brother asked me why I was wearing Arabic lettering around my neck. His voice disapproving, his toe tapping, waiting for an answer…. You know those slippery slope universities just pump out liberal-indoctrinated terrorist sympathizers. I guess he wanted to know why I supported ISIS?

It was an Om necklace I wear during yoga practice…. one of the most innocuous and well recognized symbols anywhere in the world (and Sanskrit to boot). The greatest part of this story? Years later, he works for the bureau. It’s a bumbling American sitcom in action. These are the people who can muster the nuance to discern carolina from memphis bbq but will insist that Sikhs blow up airplanes and casually suggest that African nations get over that whole colonization followed by power vacuum inter-tribal warfare thing and get those economies pumping in order to be respected on the global stage.


You Can’t Escape

P.S., I forgot to wish the web a happy Valentine’s Day! Sorry, I was grating cheese blocks for literally hours. #liveyourbestself #eatthecheese


I lost track (a great thing), but eventually I realized that it’s now been over one year and counting since I’ve sent or responded to a message on a dating site. It feels fucking incredible to be disconnected from those dehumanizing, lying cesspools disguised as self actualization. #offthegrid #readarticlesnotbios


Today in Excruciating Displays of Projection

The Christian Right’s condemnation of Islam seems like a performative way to absolve themselves of criticism when many of their ideological issues are similar to that of Muslim fundamentalists. Many of the same people who decry “Sharia Law” being established as state law are perfectly fine with the US becoming a Christian nation (either by law or “culture”), and even distort history to support it. What it comes down to is: The Christian Right wants exclusive rights to patriarchal Abrahamic religious law and fight Islam to protect their brand. It’s Post versus General Mills.

Why Does This Happen

Isn’t it the most useless people who seem to have “PhD” next to their name in their email signatures? Is it because useful people prefer to work instead of spending four additional years and 30k doing what is essentially a second Master’s thesis (I know I know, I’m projecting :P).

I truly did used to think PhDs meant something. Perhaps they still do in the hard sciences. But… I work in the social sciences. How do these people go through so many analytical ringers at school and still come out being one of the most useless, non-analytical people on any team. Maybe it’s just my sphere of colleagues and contractor partners, but the examples I’ve seen this decade are so depressingly sad that it’s getting to the point where PhDs are a red flag for me. I just know this person will ask stupid questions, be three steps behind everyone at the meetings, and contribute nothing to the team except headaches. “Oh, you have a PhD? So, I will be leading this effort, doing most of the work, and carrying you to the conclusions? Okay then, great, let’s get started.”

“An Asshole/Bitch and Proud Of It”

People that have a mindset of  “I say what I want and screw you if you don’t like it” have difficulty expressing complex ideas or exercising persuasion. It just seems like overcompensation for a lack of substantive ideas.

Key inspiration: the “He says what he means!” followers of Trump. Isn’t it funny how “what he means” is always racist, sexist, or otherwise inflammatory and empty of information?


My recommended ads involve vibrators, jumpsuits, and Target. It’s like internet algorithms knows me better than I know myself.


Rampant Middle-America Nonsense

It’s amazing that just showing up a for a 9-to-5 makes women “career obsessed” at the same time it makes men “responsible”.

Guess how much I care about your casual misogyny, average middle america? Take it away, Peggy.


What I Want and What I Don’t

Someone recently said to me the world would be better if women were more open about what they want and what they didn’t.  The observation certainly calls out a fault with current/evolving gender roles and expectations as well as social norms. Our culture frequently supports donning a positive demeanor and being open to others’ requests at the expense of our own selves, like southern hospitality run amok. To ask for things is greedy. To expect that your standard be met by someone is selfish. I realize that many things in relationships need to be a negotiation, but your basic principles need not be. We shouldn’t surrender our own needs to please others, whether they be family, colleagues, friends, or romantic partners. Sometimes displeasing another can ultimately be a service to you both, forcing the readjustment of expectations. To circle back to the initial comment, people can’t really be happy unless they start feeling more comfortable admitting out loud what they want and what they don’t.

In the spirit of committing to being my truest, happiest self this year I’d like to openly think about and consider these categories.

In Life

WantDon't Want
Travel adventures: From European metropolises with cobblestone and old houses that are too close together, to snowy national parks where I can camp under the pine trees. I want to traverse busy streets and watch the northern lights and lounge on gulf beaches and climb pyramid ruins. If I can't afford to leave the country this year while I work on my credit debt, I'll plan circuits for national park tours and lodges.

Fitness: I want to do more than fall in and out of fads and quick fixes. I want to make my fitness strategies a regular routine. Living alone now, no one can interfere with my progress except myself. There are no more scapegoats.

Continued financial growth: I don't want to be rich. I've never wanted that. My goals for financial growth are to make enough to be comfortable, do the things I want to do, and never have to stress about funds. The ability to put money away for a rainy day would be great too.

Cultivate experiences: I want to continue what's been an amazing decade of cultivating happy, memorable experiences, both on my own and with friends or partners. Experiences and happiness over things, always. Say Yes to indulgence.
Kids: The stresses of childbirth, care-taking, and family building. At least, not this decade while there's still so much independent life to live. Maybe later ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A breached inner sanctum: Poor choices for friends and acquaintances that are toxic, controlling, or altogether bad influences on my time, priorities, and emotions.

Uncomfortable workplace environment: It may be easy to win a battle, but it makes the war unbearable. I need to be a team player at all times, avoid shining at the expense of colleagues just to be the one that was "right", and never try to take someone down. It's just not worth it and puts my goals in jeopardy.

Irresponsible habits: As I fight down my debt, I've done a great job excising a few old habits that added zero value to my life but monopolized resources. Good riddance, I say, and let's continue fighting those urges in 2018.


Pinterest mosaic of my 2018 aesthetics

In a Partner

WantDon't Want
Expressive and outgoing: Let's face it: I'm a lot. I want a partner who can keep up with my energy and spontaneity (dare I say, my capriciousness???)

Amenable to change: Strong principles are important, and I do value those. But it's also important not to take your rigid positions to your grave. When new evidence presents itself, one must be willing to adapt one's perspective to include that evidence and accept a change in perspective.

Tender: Has feelings and is not afraid to tap into them. This is connected to good listening skills, so I'll include that here also.

Responsible: His maturity and independence must reflect his age.

Live and breathe humor: Life is a comedy; nobody gets out alive. We need to be able to laugh together, always.

Socially aware and empathetic: His thoughts on immigration should be more educated and critical than a few paltry, black and white talking points that sound like "just come here legally". He should be thoughtful, empathetic, and open to the concerns of his fellow humans.

Geeky AF: And, here's a hill that I'll die on. At the same time that he's geeky, he needs to also not be a pretentious gatekeeper about it. How can you love me if you simultaneously question my authenticity; if you think my identity and hobbies are nothing but performance? The answer is that you can't, and it shows. Gatekeepers think if you weren't into something at age 7, then you're fake. So, let's share our hobbies and hope we perk the others' interests in new things! Explore geekdom together! There is room for everyone, and endless new fandoms to discover.

Lumberjack aesthetic: Not required, but it sure helps.
Narcissism: Now that I've developed a radar for this personality type, at least I can avoid it in the future.

Emotional problems: I can't get sucked into any more caretaker roles. My personality demands that I give, and boy... do these people take.

Indoorsy: My interests lately seem to revolve around nature: national parks, regular parks, beaches, and/or roughing it. He needs to want to live this life with me, not just put up with it. Snow, rain, cloudy, or shine--let's go out in it!

Triflin': At the first sign of a conflict-oriented demeanor, I'm out. My lifestyle goals don't involve petty quarreling and losing ourselves in the details.

Endless dietary restrictions: I love to cook. Don't be a pain in my ass 😛

Religious and serious about it: Being atheist affects everything that I am--my values, my priorities, the way I process experiences, and the way I plan for the future.

Gender Fluidity: I thought I was more progressive than I am. I've learned through trial and error that I do, in fact, require him to have more body hair than myself and to wear less makeup than I do. My own jealous nature requires exclusive rights to the feminine features and accouterments. (same vein: the man I'm with shouldn't be more interested in his own ass than mine.)

Hobbies that consume: Hobbies are great. They accent your life and add to your general happiness. They should not consume you to the extent that you go weeks without speaking to your significant other. They should not become your sole identity trait. They should not drive you to think of your friends and loved ones as mere vehicles for praise of your work. And, most poignantly: I should not have to take on his hobby just to get his attention.



The future hubs right here

%d bloggers like this: