Category Archives: DerpCharts

Chart: What a Headshape Does to Cuteness, According to V. Important Science


The Epidemic of Kink Culture Envy

I’m so over people feeling the need to wedge in “kinky” as a definitive part of their identity. When did kinky become a synonym for simply enjoying sex? Has our already puritanical rightwing conservative American culture backslid into complete Mormon nightgown territory when it comes to sexual exploration? And, why is it such a strain on the human psyche to consider one’s self to be sexually adequate and ordinary? Do we really need to start vanilla support groups so that ordinary people stop co-opting the lifestyle terms of other groups just to feel desirable? Why are there only two stops on the spectrum now: prude and hit-me-harder-daddy? People accept normalcy in so many other ways, but as soon as genitals enter the picture, people must be seen as members of some exclusive club for intercourse. Drop in those four magic letters (“BDSM”), and watch them cream in the glow of their sexual uniqueness (although when prompted to explain, they won’t be able to pinpoint a particular inclination for anything that might fall under those four categories.)

This is so annoyingly true while dating. A man probably thinks it sounds whimsical and spicy and sexually inviting to announce that he’s kinky, but I just laugh now. Sorry, literally every dude says he’s kinky. They have to think of themselves as kinky or else their dicks fall off, or something. Men can’t separate the porn that they watch from their actual performance and preferences. Sorry, gents, but it’s an absolute cliche now. Y’all ruined it for everyone else, in typical dude fashion.

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Me, when they drop their kinky factor on the first date
my hard-earned data analysis

Conquering Modern American Social Apathy Borne of Privilege

did-not-vote-2016-update

Map created by the folks at Brilliant Maps. Click for their article and associated credits.

 

If you or a loved one suffer from apathy to social justice issues, politics, and the stark intersection of the two, and exhibit any of the following sentiments:

  • my voice doesn’t matter because I don’t believe in the power of aggregate opinion
  • I don’t care about the problems of others, even though my silence is precisely what enables their continued plight
  • lending my voice to amplify the concerns of others conflicts with my own pursuit of happiness
  • I personally do not experience a problem, therefore I don’t care about it
  • I personally do not experience a problem, therefore I don’t believe that it truly exists
  • I personally do not experience a problem, therefore I believe its victims must deserve to experience its trappings

….please use your voice and example to change their minds. In the same way that the silence of the apathetic allows subjugation of the minority to flourish, so too does our own apathy towards the apathetic allow apathy to bubble over into the sad map of national indifference pictured above. If your loved ones are shocked that a bumbling, blathering buffoon was elected by only a misguided but passionate minority, explain that they shouldn’t be; that inaction, more than any other factor, is what empowers and emboldens the worst in society.

Apathy is extinguished one person at a time through our efforts. Its sufferers can have an effect for change, just as they currently have an effect for regression. Inaction is also a type of action, as the map more than illustrates. Being at liberty to choose inaction is a privilege that many do not have, because for them inaction directly threatens their access or protections related to their workplace, income, home, healthcare, legal protections…. even their abilities to have families of their own.

So, let’s start with the bare minimum and work up from there: Please ask your apathetic loved ones to show up at least one day a year [at their polling place] to exercise the human condition known as empathy.


Keeping Track of the Scandal 2016 Primary

Do you watch Scandal on ABC?

In the midst of seemingly constant breaks between small episode chunks, do you find yourself losing track of the primary?

I feel you. I made an infographic to help us keep track of the field as it currently stands. Who is running, against whom, and which characters support the candidates?

(click to enlarge)

Scandal

 

Brought to you by Jake eating fried chicken.

chicken

 


GOP Debate Bingo, Episode II: The Failsauce Ignites and Lights California’s Forests on Fire

Ladies and gents, if you don’t suffer from anxiety and have nothing better to do at 8pm EST (or even 6pm EST for the happy hour edition), why not enjoy round 2 of the GOP debates on CNN? Here’s a bingo card with which to entertain yourselves.

GOPDebateIIBingowatermarked


In advance of Thursday, I bring you GOP Debate Bingo

Don’t be afraid. Let the tomfoolery flow though you. Let it give you sustenance as you mark the debate progress with stickers on this custom debate bingo card. And “God Bless America.”
GOPDebateBingo


Anxiety Illustrated

GOTAnxietyPie


Sunday is Games of Thrones Night: Feelings Conveyed Through Charts

SANSA! Listen, girl, I have some qualms. Do you NOT recall the decision tree?


WesterosDecisionTree

Littlefinger1 Littlefinger2 Littlefinger3


Why Outlander is the Most Refreshing Show On TV Right Now

fantasyTV


The Law of Diminishing Returns, illustrated by Dragonball Z

DiminishingReturnsDBZ


“How do I brain?” The persistence of the willfully uninformed.

I love when vocal Republicans on Facebook broadcast the fact that they’re liberals through the issues they care about. “No, I’m just a Republican who believes social welfare programs are all grossly & negligently under-budgeted while money is wasted elsewhere.” Congratulations, you’re a modern Democrat. “No, no, no, I mean all our money goes abroad and to excessive immigration instead of helping the folks here at home!” Oh, well then let me revise that: you’re an idiotic modern Democrat. Let me google that for you…. Here we are. In under 2 seconds I have a pie chart of Fiscal Year 2010’s budget expenditures by department. Simply click to enlarge! Immigration Services falls under the Dept of Homeland Security, btw.

Fy2010_spending_by_category

 

“You see? Homeland Security is a huge piece of that pie!” Oh…okay, you think the Immigration office costs more than surveillance bunkers, the coast guard, or FEMA equipment. Ignorance was cute in the olden days, I guess, but OK, let me google that for you again…. Oh, in three seconds flat I have unearthed the FY 2010 Budget of the Dept of Homeland Security. Yeah, that Haitian assistance and backlogged Immigration paperwork is killing us.

Seriously, it takes people longer to write a derogatory Facebook post about falsehoods than it actually would take to learn about the falsehood. Ignorance is a cardinal sin in the Information Age. Ignorantly blind partisanship is bad enough, but willfully blind partisanship is just unfathomable to me. I essentially met someone whose logic is: If I gave a shit for long enough to learn about the issues I care about, I would feel differently about the issues I care about.

 

bridesmaids

 

So close, buddy! Better luck next election. Maybe someday you’ll cognitively get there.

 

 


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