Category Archives: Diatribes

Fuck Debt

Millennial student and credit card (also related to being a student) debts are difficult to tackle as a single-person household. The great thing about marrying young is the ability to be each other’s safety net and pool resources. So, still being single at 31 means I’ve been racing from behind on the hurdles others have been able to face together for so long. I’ve missed out on the safety net and the help. And, the relationships I did have were siphons, so the debt has been compounding even as I’ve made consistent payments over the years, tackling them alone. (It’s not all woe-is-me… I also lived beyond my means, and I own that).

It’s been so difficult getting anywhere resembling progress when next month’s interest fee is as much as this month’s maximum payment working two jobs and 80 to 100 hours a week. I’m even allowing the National Institute of Health to inject me with malaria for clinical trial money. Sorry, Boomers, but despite your sincerest and malicious hopes, I’m not floundering for lack of effort, focus, or ingenuity.

All in all, my credit might be in the toilet, but at least I’ve never missed a loan payment. Eventually in life it has to count for something that I’m the type of person who regularly works 48 hours straight over her weekend at a second or third job rather than be delinquent on a loan payment. (Right? RIGHT????)


Facebook is a Cesspool


At least we know that none of the figures in this painting authored the document in the first place 😂

How can these people be so proud to have strong convictions about a few lines of text they know so little about? Can they name even three other amendments? Just three! How about identifying the most important ones, like the one that abolished slavery and the one that granted women the right to vote? $100 says they can’t.

Every “gun rights” pontiff on the Constitution, in summary: “Militia? Naw, the 2nd amendment definitely says we all have the right to bear arms and junkz. I haven’t read it since middle school, but I am 110% sure that’z whut it sayz. And there’s, like, some other amendments too, but I dunno what they are. The 2nd is the MOST important to me, a white person under no threats whatsoever.”

Week 1 on Bumble

It had been over a year, so Cyan convinced me to download an app and try again. Ehhhh. Okay. What harm can it do?

So, let’s say I’m a man on a dating site. From a week on bumble, I deduce I am either a medical sales rep or a financial adviser, but either way I definitely have a pic of myself at machu picchu.  (Seriously, every fourth swipe has one. Where do they get the money? I have to drive Lyft every night if I want to buy groceries.)

Here are the other pics on my hypothetical dude pages.

hip mike/john, works in tech:

  • posing next to my dog (why does every man in their thirties have a dog? I can smell the wet dog wafting from your photostream because I KNOW you don’t bathe him/her every week. Never met a man who could even keep up with his own trash and dishes, much less bathe his pet on a schedule.)
  • holding a child that makes you think boy he has that hot dad look and then “NIECE/NEPHEW” in the comments that promises you won’t be a homewrecker

financier chad, venture capitalist or broker

  • on another mountain that’s NOT machu picchu (okay but I like the mountain ones :D)
  • at dinner with my ex cropped out (I like these too because the food always looks good. Moar food pics!)
  • next to my more attractive friend (who’s your friend? Is he on here?)

trashy jake, loves freedom and women with tats

  • with my favorite sports team jersey
  • in my bathroom mirror
  • holding a dead fish next to my head
  • posing with my guns

Stepping back from the satire for a moment, real talk: I am getting suspicious of the men of Bumble. Many of them are incredibly hot–like, stop swiping and just make noises with your teeth levels of hot. So, I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with them that they’re on here swiping for strangers. Chauvinists? Narcissists? Chronic bad breath? A persistent lisp? Racist? Generally intolerable IRL? Why can’t they find love without algorithms? I’m swiping their tight asses and topknots, to be sure. But….. the grains of salt I’m collecting along the way could season a Thanksgiving dinner. Update: I figured out why they are undateable: crippling self-esteem problems. It’s dick pic city out here. Y’all, this is not how you talk to women 😂 (Also, to the giant viking dudes, we know what it’s going to look like. On top of rude it’s just completely redundant.)

P.S. – Leave comments with egregious stereotypes of women’s profiles; I would love to read them! This is an equal-opportunity shaming thread 😂 


Day 402

In Trump’s America, where knowing nothing about the world beyond the tip of your own nose is a compliment rather than an insult, I think about how we got here. While wallowing in the willful stupidity of this era’s heralds and princes, I often flashback to funny moments where my family exhibited the same confident ignorance that’s become an American cliche. For example, one time my brother asked me why I was wearing Arabic lettering around my neck. His voice disapproving, his toe tapping, waiting for an answer…. You know those slippery slope universities just pump out liberal-indoctrinated terrorist sympathizers. I guess he wanted to know why I supported ISIS?

It was an Om necklace I wear during yoga practice…. one of the most innocuous and well recognized symbols anywhere in the world (and Sanskrit to boot). The greatest part of this story? Years later, he works for the bureau. It’s a bumbling American sitcom in action. These are the people who can muster the nuance to discern carolina from memphis bbq but will insist that Sikhs blow up airplanes and casually suggest that African nations get over that whole colonization followed by power vacuum inter-tribal warfare thing and get those economies pumping in order to be respected on the global stage.


Today in Excruciating Displays of Projection

The Christian Right’s condemnation of Islam seems like a performative way to absolve themselves of criticism when many of their ideological issues are similar to that of Muslim fundamentalists. Many of the same people who decry “Sharia Law” being established as state law are perfectly fine with the US becoming a Christian nation (either by law or “culture”), and even distort history to support it. What it comes down to is: The Christian Right wants exclusive rights to patriarchal Abrahamic religious law and fight Islam to protect their brand. It’s Post versus General Mills.


Why Does This Happen

Isn’t it the most useless people who seem to have “PhD” next to their name in their email signatures? Is it because useful people prefer to work instead of spending four additional years and 30k doing what is essentially a second Master’s thesis (I know I know, I’m projecting :P).

I truly did used to think PhDs meant something. Perhaps they still do in the hard sciences. But… I work in the social sciences. How do these people go through so many analytical ringers at school and still come out being one of the most useless, non-analytical people on any team. Maybe it’s just my sphere of colleagues and contractor partners, but the examples I’ve seen this decade are so depressingly sad that it’s getting to the point where PhDs are a red flag for me. I just know this person will ask stupid questions, be three steps behind everyone at the meetings, and contribute nothing to the team except headaches. “Oh, you have a PhD? So, I will be leading this effort, doing most of the work, and carrying you to the conclusions? Okay then, great, let’s get started.”


“An Asshole/Bitch and Proud Of It”

People that have a mindset of  “I say what I want and screw you if you don’t like it” have difficulty expressing complex ideas or exercising persuasion. It just seems like overcompensation for a lack of substantive ideas.

Key inspiration: the “He says what he means!” followers of Trump. Isn’t it funny how “what he means” is always racist, sexist, or otherwise inflammatory and empty of information?


Rampant Middle-America Nonsense

It’s amazing that just showing up a for a 9-to-5 makes women “career obsessed” at the same time it makes men “responsible”.

Guess how much I care about your casual misogyny, average middle america? Take it away, Peggy.


Aziz “I’m Sorry” Ansari

The Aziz Ansari exposé this week described what’s perhaps the lowest-stakes encounter we’ve seen mainstreamed as part of the #MeToo movement, and as such has launched the most interesting and impactful discussions on sex, consent, and male aggression I’ve seen in a while. The exposé has this ability to make people excruciatingly uncomfortable. As evidence, see…. well, nearly every response piece on the subject. Taking the temperature of the response pieces is something of an exercise in “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.” Whether articles come out for or against the OP, the consistent premise is that all women have been Grace. No one seems to be denying the universality of the woman’s experience exactly as described. The only disagreement among authors seems to be whether or not to care.

I blink in disbelief. In the same breath, anti-feminists admit awareness of our society’s pervasive rape culture while using this very example as a way to deny its existence and declare women officially O.K.

We might be O.K., but we’d like to be good, great, fantastic! That’s what equality is all about. An anonymous comment on the Lindy West NYT piece sums up my reactions, so instead of reinventing the wheel I’ll simply leave this here:

Clearly Aziz Ansari was trying to rush things on a first date in a way that rushes to the male’s endgame rather than something mutually pleasurable and collaboratively reached between lovers. Some women are fine with the former, but most want (and all deserve) the latter, and for a man to expect the former is extremely presumptuous, disrespectful, and makes a woman feel terrible rather than pleasured. It is not rape, but it’s emotionally hurtful. Aziz treated her like a piece of meat as she moved away and even explicitly told him she didn’t want to feel forced. This ruins sex for women, and all people deserve to enjoy sex. Women have had enough of having female sexuality and pleasure ignored.


The Return of Googlebro and This Stupid, Exhausting Fight for Respect in the Workplace

Mr. Damore’s memo last year argued that biological differences — citing greater levels of anxiety among women, and a lower tolerance for stress — helped explain why there were fewer women in key engineering positions and leadership roles at Google.  – New York Times

Or, crazy thought…. perhaps women are more stressed at work because even though they work full time they have greater childcare responsibilities thrust upon them by their partners and are expected to perform the majority of the shopping and housework and see less sleep and free time because of it. Perhaps they are more stressed at work because their coworkers openly discuss and share manifestos about their biological inferiority for logical tasks and use the workplace trends that emerge from consistent under-representation and being spoken over during meetings, undervalued, and passed over for promotions and raises in favor of male colleagues as justification for these decidedly unscientific “beliefs” without a shred of irony. Perhaps they’re more stressed because their colleagues and/or superiors sexually harass them, and no one believes them or cares, or worse–blames them for causing it by the mere act of performing their jobs.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Women cannot end misogyny in the workplace. By its very nature, misogyny reduces or ignores the concerns of women. It’s men who must be the ones to take up the call against their peers and end workplace misogyny in our name. These are not women’s issues; they are men’s issues on the topic of women.


God Was With Me During My Routine EKG and I’m Completely Fine. Praise His Light.

People who boast “God’s looking out for me” whenever a bad situation rights itself are inherently untrustworthy. I say this because if they sincerely mean what they say (and they do), then the inverse must also be true, which is that people deserve the bad things that happen to them; that God could have spared them but purposefully chose not to. I mean, really…. Can you imagine thinking that God’s looking out for your flu symptoms or your fender bender or your football game while Boko Haram kidnaps children that are never rescued? Could you even muster the shamelessness? When I hear someone say they must have a guardian angel, it makes my skin crawl.


Y tho

When you nicely (?) ask your team to stop making copies of documents with little dates and initials at the end in an effort to stop version control problems, but then years later they still do it and we still have constant version control problems.


The Epidemic of Kink Culture Envy

I’m so over people feeling the need to wedge in “kinky” as a definitive part of their identity. When did kinky become a synonym for simply enjoying sex? Has our already puritanical rightwing conservative American culture backslid into complete Mormon nightgown territory when it comes to sexual exploration? And, why is it such a strain on the human psyche to consider one’s self to be sexually adequate and ordinary? Do we really need to start vanilla support groups so that ordinary people stop co-opting the lifestyle terms of other groups just to feel desirable? Why are there only two stops on the spectrum now: prude and hit-me-harder-daddy? People accept normalcy in so many other ways, but as soon as genitals enter the picture, people must be seen as members of some exclusive club for intercourse. Drop in those four magic letters (“BDSM”), and watch them cream in the glow of their sexual uniqueness (although when prompted to explain, they won’t be able to pinpoint a particular inclination for anything that might fall under those four categories.)

This is so annoyingly true while dating. A man probably thinks it sounds whimsical and spicy and sexually inviting to announce that he’s kinky, but I just laugh now. Sorry, literally every dude says he’s kinky. They have to think of themselves as kinky or else their dicks fall off, or something. Men can’t separate the porn that they watch from their actual performance and preferences. Sorry, gents, but it’s an absolute cliche now. Y’all ruined it for everyone else, in typical dude fashion.

Me, when they drop their kinky factor on the first date
hard-earned data analysis


Men won’t go out of their way to help you, but they will go out of their way to correct you.


I’m such an honest guy. I’ll tell it like it is.

People who trumpet their ‘honesty’ are just announcing that they are actually rude and obnoxious.


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