Category Archives: Media

Attention Bajoran Workers!

I’ve taken up the mantle of Deep Space Nine. I tolerated occasional re-runs in my youth but never had the means to regularly watch and invest deep. Now, with the powers of Netflix, I’ve watched it from start to finish (sleep was optional). Having devoted a month to this deed, I’m now a committed fan until the end of my days!

On to the shipping! For archival purposes and for posterity’s pleasure, here are my three favorite pairings in no particular order:

  • Garak and Bashir
  • Gul Dukat and Weyoun
  • Jadzia and Worf

And let me tell you I am certainly not the only one. The fanart for the first two in particular is buckets of fun. I’m aware they’re canonical stretches; however, if you do not allow your Cardassian supervisors these harmless whimsies, we will be forced to take action.

Thank you and good night.


Spotify is dangerous, kids.

Oh man. Storytime. I innocently fell in love with a silky smooth singing progressive rock band (Wytch Hazel, if you’re curious). I’ve been jamming to them smiting demons, conquering in battle, and crowning their mighty king for two days. It finally hit me: Waaait. This is one mighty king in particular.

So, this is totally a Christian rock band ūüėí. They reel you in with that baritone crooning and the guitar licks of Satan, and before you know it you’re knocking on your neighbor’s door asking them about their relationship with skylords.

Oh well, I guess I love Christ now. Can I call him Christ? Or is it The Christ? Whaddup, The Christ?

God damn it. My band of the week is a Christian Rock Band singin’ about psalms. This is new territory.

aMthvLC


New Year, No Fear

Sound self-help words for 2018 from The Magicians:

Be regal, miscreants.

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Thanksgiving to Christmas Is For Tolkien Weekends

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The Bloat: An Unexpected Trilogy, The Desolation of CGI, and The Battle of the Five Rotten Tomatoes

I don’t buy anything but groceries and gas these days, but on Cyber Monday the extended Hobbit series was on ultra clearance, and I went for it. It’s a love/hate relationship with this series, but mostly love these days. Let’s watch and react:

  • Gandalf’s complete disregard for Bilbo’s firm “No”s is a bit disturbing. Bilbo very clearly declined these adventures, and multiple times at that. I am uncomfortable.
  • The randy, uncouth uncle from Outlander is a dwarf. It works.
  • Hobbit meals make me incredibly hungry. In fact, I’ve made a second dinner while watching.
  • Fav new character: Sebastian the hedgehog.
  • Naked CGI dwarves bathing and spanking each other in a Rivendell fountain was the extended scene we didn’t know we didn’t want until it already existed.
  • Yessss, they brought Figwit back for the Hobbit. Oh my god. The extended edition is everything.
  • The exteded Rivendell council scene makes so much more sense than the patched oddity that I saw in the theater. In fact, there is so much exposition and character illumination in Rivendell that was cut in the theatrical, and yet Peter kept the rock battle and 40 minutes of goblins. Please. Peter, get your life together.
  • Middle-aged, CGI-smoothed Legolas just makes me uncomfortable. Some things should be left alone.
  • The memes are right: Bard looks more like Orlando Bloom than Orlando Bloom does.
  • Mordor’s mountains can’t possibly be a natural formation. It’s too squarelike. Sauron must have done something magical to bring that about in his heyday. Update: This geologist agrees.
  • Tauriel and Legolas rode from Erebor…..to the castle of Angmar…. and then back to Erebor in a few days. Nein. No. That is literally half of the west-to-east expanse of the Middle Earth map and then back again. Nope. This is Game of Thrones levels of time travel.
  • You guys, Legolas is riding a giant bat over mountaintops. This has gotten out of hand.
  • At the end of Battle of the Five Armies, Legolas finally… after six movies… runs out of arrows. It’s the only easter egg I’ve ever cared about. Thank you, Peter.
  • Things I didn’t want from the Hobbit series but received anyway: Alfrid’s unibrow.
  • Fun fact: If you took a shot every time you heard a Wilhelm scream in a Peter Jackson series, you’d be dead.
  • The weakest part about An Unexpected Journey is the utter lack of Thranduil.

 

 


BBC Depression

My emotions, on the occasion they exist, have their own unit of measurement in the manner of Brontes, Austen, and Gaskell. At the bottom of the scale, notched at soulfully dispossessed and tragically nostalgic, is what I call the BBC depression. I take off work, stay up all night, and watch British female-led period dramas until I have to re-enter the world or work my way through it by some other means. The period drama roster expanded over the years as new options came out (Outlander, Poldark, recent Bronte remakes), but for the most part remains the same and waits for me to get sad so that I may escape into its grace and manners. Someone wants to build a mill, someone misheard a rumor, so-and-so glanced sideways at a woman at the ball. Yet, somehow these [mostly] idle characters (no one would accuse Ross Poldark or Jamie Fraser of idleness) with low stakes narratives hold so much weight with me when I’m feeling at my most vulnerable, and I return to them in earnest every time.

Maybe it’s the way they come at feminism by telling stories marked by its absence. Characters acknowledge an understanding of women even when the environment of the story pretends not to. In most tales, the greatest threat to the status quo is a headstrong girl who knows her own mind–a timeless premise. The witty societal commentary both thrills and burdens me, as so much of it still applies in some fashion today.

Nothing provokes speculation more than the sight of a woman enjoying herself. (Little Women)

‚ÄúA man who has nothing to do with his own time has no conscience in his intrusion on that of others.‚ÄĚ (Sense and Sensibility… mansplaining has ALWAYS been a thing)

And then there’s the ferocity and beauty of the moors… from the cliffs of Cornwall all the way to the Scottish highlands, the rainy, rocky natural world is never more exquisite to me than in the British Isles (in movies and photographs, because I’ve never actually been there). Perhaps I’ve grown up with leftover pangs of colonialism, but I simply prefer the windy, gray skies aesthetic of the mossy moors to just about anything.

I love these moors. They’re like survivors of another time. Climb Roughtor before sunrise and listen to the wind crying through the stones and you will feel God. (Jamaica Inn)

(+requisite Poldark pug)

And, I think, here is the zinger. When the topic of my sad stupor is a failed romance–as it is this week–watching purer, nonphysical expressions of passion somehow help to excise those demons (or repress? Who knows). Breaking down romance into such childlike depictions–all awkward gazes and fumbling over words and touching fingers while passing teacups–makes the concepts easier to digest. When people in the real world can spend years and years together and still break up over minute compatibility issues or down-the-road intimacy questions or some fight about hobbies half a decade in….  isn’t it heartwarming to think one can simply choose a candidate for happily ever after with some furtive glances, a few pride and prejudice style misunderstandings, a good deed, and a swoon-y declaration? Sure, it’s hapless fantasy, but that’s leaps and bounds better than my nihilism, knowing from experience that “love” is actually just two people agreeing to hang out together until the day one of them changes their mind. There is no such thing as commitment, because no commitment needs to be final. Some weeks that’s too fucking sad for me to think about, and I suppose I vouch for the quivering teacup pass and wholesome eyebrow flirting of North & South because it ironically feels more truthful than the truth I know.


Watching House of Cards

I love watching House of Cards. It’s so blissfully optimistic; like how they hold entire strategy meetings about a bill needing to pass in order to influence an election, as though voters in aggregate
  1. know the first fucking thing about bills that are attempted or passed from their states,
  2. find out whether those bills help or hinder their own lives, or
  3. give a shit when they do and allow that information to inform their decision.
These types of data are at the fingertips of nearly all Americans from a plethora of agencies and reporting bodies, but people will vote for dismantlers of a system they themselves know little about beyond their 7th grade illustrations of the three branches and the occasional headline that government is “bloated” and “wasteful” while the next headline insists the Army fill more warehouses with contract-ordered tanks they can’t use.
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The Handmaid’s Tale Viewing Notes, Episodes 1-3

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The power of the Handmaid’s Tale is how perfectly believable it is. It’s a modern woman’s nightmare. Men (and certainly numerous women as well) like to think we’re in a post-racial and post-sexist society in the United States because everyone has equal rights on paper. However, regressives frequently challenge those rights in courts or through legislative gymnastics. Women made incredible strides this century to be sure, but modern women fear the recoil. After all, the first African American girl to attend a desegregated school is still alive today. She is only 62 years old. American women have held the right to vote for fewer than 100 years. Let that sink in. The men who wanted women to be voiceless raised an entire generation that is still alive and, in many cases, in power today. In fact, they whittle away at women’s reproductive agency and bodily autonomy every day at their jobs. Watching the Handmaid’s Tale while a woman (WHTwW) will surely be a buzzy health condition this month. I wonder how many right-wing viewers will miss the mark, though. “Isn’t it just the pits that women aren’t trusted to make their own bodily decisions?” an anti-choice viewer will muse to his or her neighbor.

In an emotionally grueling scene, one of the handmaids opens up about her horrific gang rape experience at school. Afterward, the other handmaids are forced (by threat of bodily harm) to shame her for “leading the boys on” and bringing the gang rape upon herself. In the Handmaid’s Tale, as in many real-life modern societal circles, women are unironically viewed as powerless and meek at the very same time that they’re thought to wield the all-powerful weapon of sex. From the show’s reception, these scenes clearly strike deep chords with women today. Rape victims are generally viewed as liars until proven raped in a court of law (see: nearly any case involving sports figures or celebrities ad nauseum), senators and congressmen argue whether pregnancies can biologically result from “legitimate rapes”, judges ask if victims bothered to move their butt around to avoid the penetration or if they kept their knees together, and even legislators go so far as to uphold rapists’ parental decision and visitation rights.

Still not convinced? Still think women’s closeness to this novel and mini-series is self-indulgent paranoia? Try playing Refinery29’s game, “Republican or Handmaid’s Tale” and see how well you do.

Another blogger delved into Atwood’s real-world influences for the novel that make it almost biographical:

“When Atwood was writing it in Berlin in 1984, she determined that she would put nothing into it that hadn‚Äôt already happened to women somewhere on earth. …. The novel has its origins in the 17th-century Puritans who settled in America, and in contemporary Afghanistan, and in Romania‚Äôs Decree 770, which dealt with a plummeting birth rate in the 1960s by outlawing contraception and abortion. That so many women feel so keenly attuned to it now demonstrates an acute awareness that the impulse to police women‚Äôs behavior and reproductive systems is as old as history itself.” – Sophie Gilbert for The Atlantic

Beyond the glaring premise of the show are other human rights atrocities that are just as believable. LGBTQ people gathered up and executed? Happening right now in Uganda, Russia, and Chechnya to name a few off the top of my head. And who can forget the ISIS video last year of a gay man being flung from a roof in execution. Female genital mutilation? Rampant in northern Africa and some parts of the middle east. Rape? No citations needed. These are common human rights crises happening at this very moment around the globe. One does not need a tinfoil hat to see the plausibility of American society’s downward spiral as illustrated by this television show. In the story, all it took was desperation and fear. One gruesome, alleged terrorist attack, and the bible belt handed the reigns of governance over to martial law. Welp, have you watched Fox News yet today? Its viewers are frothing at the mouth to do just that and support every idea that reroutes funding from critical services to the ever fattening military industrial complex (while inexplicably fighting for the right to stockpile guns in case a tyrannical government turns on them?) And did the show’s march for women’s rights remind you of a certain Women’s March on Washington in defense of women’s healthcare (among many other issues)? It’s startling to think that this scene was likely written and filmed long before our real march occurred. Yet, here we are.

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Front and center to the show are the women of privilege–the military wives–who seem to help enforce the new social constructs and keep select women enslaved. We hate them at first as we view the plot through a lens of the “have everything”s versus the “have none”s. Almost as soon as we begin watching, though, we see that many of the privileges the wives enjoy are barely that, as they still cannot work, own property, or have their own money. We’re also led to believe they may not have chosen their husbands and that all companionships are assigned. Take Mrs. Waterford. She looks pristine and clean at all times: hair, makeup, dress, high heels while she walks around the house. Her husband is out of town, yet she must still don her uniform of the privileged woman. She may visit friends that day, but that is the totality of her freedoms. She can’t even enter her husband’s study in their home. Privileges are thrown at these military wives like bones–nice homes, macarons and ice cream, fancy clothes–but bones are all they are. And these women, desperate to maintain what little status and few privileges they have, will do anything to keep them, including keep slaves. In this same way, the Handmaid program’s leader, Aunt Lydia, takes delight in lesbian Ofglen’s court-ordered “reformation”, a genital mutilation to remove sexual arousal for the wrong gender. Aunt Lydia rose to power for her pious devotion to conveniently cherry-picked dogma that supports the current powers, and she won’t abide women whose positions (or very existence, in Ofglen’s case) challenge her. This show does an incredible job of including the reactionary ways in which women help to uphold patriarchy and the ways in which women’s complicity are integral to its continued existence. It would have been easy and safe to focus on the male over female power structure in this adaptation, but that would not have been entirely true to Atwood’s tale nor to the reality of patriarchal structures.

When I was reading reaction blogs today, a piece in The Atlantic echoed my thoughts on this topic:

“The complicity of many wealthy women in the tyranny of Gilead is another aspect of the show that sharpens its topical relevance, particularly after an election in which a majority of white women voted against a female president. But casting women as co-oppressors in the novel, Atwood told me, was merely another way of remixing history. ‘They‚Äôre the roles that women have always played,’ she said. If someone were creating Gilead from scratch, she said, the most intuitive thing to do would be to enlist women in the policing of it, offering them limited power over other women. ‘There are always takers for that.'” – Sophie Gilbert for The Atlantic

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In the same way women are antagonists, the show is also careful to include men in an ally role. In the women’s march scene, men are gunned down on the front lines alongside the women, and of course we start the show with Offred’s husband dying in order to give his wife and daughter a running shot at reaching Canada. This inclusion is, of course, great on its own. But every now and then, it did make me laugh out loud. For example, while taking notice of men during the march scene I had the simultaneous thought, “this is to placate the MRAs who will surely frame this show as us versus them, anti-men propaganda.” If it had been a few men included in the march scene, I would have smiled at the simple inclusion and moved on. But, it was a gratuitous, slow motion homage to men at the women’s march. It even looked like a 50/50 gender split. It was as if the episode director was shouting preemptively, “See? We KNOOOOW #notallmen, you guys. We get it. Just look at all the men we put in this protest scene for you!” See, I know they had to, and that annoys the living shit out of me. But, as I find myself saying a lot lately, “here we are.”

In conclusion, it is the law of the internet that comments on any post about feminism justify the need for feminism. And, where men can look at the entirety of human history and still have the absence of mind to find the Handmaid’s Tale (novel, movie, or Hulu miniseries)  “hysterical, criminally unerotic, and a symptom of the author‚Äôs misandry“, let these same rules apply.


I Watched Those Divergent Movies

All right, all right, everyone knows I love trash scifi movies. When the supernatural and/or dystopian scifi young adult trend exploded, I lost my shit. Twilight, Hunger Games, Teen Wolf, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, you name it.

I grew up on Tolkien, Shelley, and Anne Rice, which bourgeois adults consider to be “more cerebral” than the current YA media scene. The language, characters, and history were certainly more intellectually elevating; however, in response to that argument I offer a resounding “so what”. If these dumbed-down books help teens become interested in reading, I think it’s short-sighted to scoff and demean the fans of these literature stepping stones. Additionally, a love for trash media can coexist with an appreciation for Dickens and Dostoevsky, and the publishing industry is not worse off for it.

It’s big news right now that the final Divergent Series film has been bounced from the big screen. The lackluster ticket sales appeared to be due to the lower quality final book, the studio’s slicing said book across two films, and the overall lover interest in this series compared to other YA hits like Twilight and The Hunger Games (which had its own struggle stretching the final book across two films). Curious and hungry for high-production value, low-brow YA scifi-fantasy, I finally got around to watching these (thanks to a combination of Amazon Video Streaming rentals and HBO Now). I found myself in total disagreement with the buzz. Here’s my breakdown:

  • Divergent was the most enjoyable
  • Insurgent was the most suspenseful
  • and Allegiant was the most interesting

Theo James perfectly plays the sulky, alpha male hunk, and Shailene wins at the fierce, confident wunderkind. Kate Winslet wins at being Kate Winslet *shrug* My particular issue with the casting team was the collection of generic, babyfaced white boys with scraggly dark hair that I was somehow supposed to keep straight. It was a struggle, and I had to rewind the cliff scene and then IMDB the character when Tris said the culprit’s name. OK, it was Al….. Good. ….Which one was Al? Luckily, it got easier because the series killed off these guys systematically until only two remained. This series suffered from a severe lack of Nicholas Cage or Jeff Goldblum types, but whaddya gonna do.

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We run to class! We run home! Tank tops and cargo pants! You can’t control us, mom!

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Me at home, watching these kids run everywhere

As predictable as it was, I was still annoyed that Tori–the only interesting adult character–was killed the moment she began to do stuff again.  However, she surprised me by surviving Divergent, so that tells you how low the bar was in the first place. You know what the scifi bible says: Thou shalt not suffer the cool asians to live. Meanwhile, walking wastebaskets of cells, Miles Teller & her brother, were allowed to live over and over again. Sometimes forgiveness isn’t a virtue, kids; it’s a weakness. Let those toxic people out of your life! You do not need to surround yourself with people actively working against your interests & who constantly betray you just because they “feel bad” or have nowhere better to go or they’re “really really sorry”. That’s called emotional manipulation and is a favored tactic of abusers. Maybe she excises them from her life in part 2 of Allegiant, but I doubt it. They’re far more likely to be #redeemed because #secondchances (#thirdchances, #fourthchances….)

In summary, they were fine, and I’m disappointed the fourth one’s been cancelled. Here’s to bloated budgets for young adult scifi-fantasy dystopias! And may they never stop coming.


Keeping Track of the Scandal 2016 Primary

Do you watch Scandal on ABC?

In the midst of seemingly constant breaks between small episode chunks, do you find yourself losing track of the primary?

I feel you. I made an infographic to help us keep track of the field as it currently stands. Who is running, against whom, and which characters support the candidates?

(click to enlarge)

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Brought to you by Jake eating fried chicken.

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The Bandwagon-like Rise of the “I’m anti-bandwagon” Punditry

Widely known internet fact: It is nearly impossible to talk about something topical without getting hit by some soapboxing idiot’s scepter, dubbing you disingenuous, attention-seeking, or (my personal favorite) a fake geek.

Welp, don’t you fucking try to “fake geek girl” me about Alan Rickman today, Internet. I will combust into the Phoenix and take you down with me into hell. You’re seriously going to suggest women are fake geek girls for fandom(s) primarily made up of women?!? You want to play gatekeeper for our own fandoms too? Fucking christ, patriarchy. You are on fleek today.

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Star Wars: The Force Awakened the Trolls

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You know the types. The ones who have notoriously contrarian taste, and not for unknown gems or under-the-radar breakout talent or film festival hits that we just haven’t heard of yet…. but for things that are commonly thought of—even sometimes universally agreed upon—as bad. The kind of people that think¬†Ben Carson makes some good points actually, Roger Moore was the best James Bond, Kanye West is a superior writer/performer to Freddie Mercury, Gamergate got a bad rap because the feminists complained, McDonalds makes the best burger,¬†the Star Wars prequels are the best Star Wars movies, men just sing rock¬†better than women #notmyfault #itsjustscience,¬†Boondock Saints is so cerebral dude it really makes you think,¬†….

Yeah, you’ve got one. Everyone’s got one. I bet that dude doesn’t like Rey from The Force Awakens¬†and he can’t really tell you why. If Daisy’s¬†constant Keira Knightley overbite bothered him¬†during her dialogue, I might roll my eyes, but at least that would be a reason¬†(by definition only). Maybe¬†he¬†has an aversion to overbite. Who knows? But he can’t express why Rey upsets him so much; she just¬†does. His growing awareness of women coexisting in all of his most cherished fandoms is upsetting, but he can’t say that because in his mind the feminazis would bear down on him, crush all his dreams with a flurry of tweets, and turn his friends against him. See, all these fake geek girls are participating in what he used to do alone with the guys! (Read: he never noticed them before because they didn’t have strong platforms to represent their interests, they used agender usernames, and/or they never talked about their gender because who cares.)

Nevermind that Star Wars has been an award-winning, multi billion $ franchise for over 40 years! This guy is upset that he liked it when few others did (?) and now others are onboard because the new movie release makes it suddenly¬†topical (??). UGH, the vapors! Look at all these people who grew up watching these films with their parents now expressing delight at a new movie release for the franchise! Only he¬†has liked Star Wars for long enough to justify a¬†heavy¬†level of engagement in Star Wars¬†“subculture”.

Newsflash, bud. The audience for the biggest film of all time does not a subculture make. At that point, it’s just culture.

After all, Rey is¬†a female lead¬†character “taking over” what he and his male friends have exclusively¬†(*snort*) enjoyed all their lives. Yes. By one woman starring in one fucking blockbuster that can still boast a primarily male ensemble, women are “taking over” the genre. It’s like that whole “Women have not been judged on the grounds of whether they talk more than men, but of whether they talk more than silent women.” It doesn’t matter whether we exist equally with men in film leads or even less than men in the fandom; the fact that women exist¬†in the fandom¬†at all¬†and on screen in the¬†lead role¬†at all¬†is seen as too much by this archetype and his vociferously insular cronies.

So how does he get you to understand that Rey just sucks? Well, let me tell you! He says the same line over and over again. He says it on every friend’s Facebook wall. He says it on every blog. He says it in the comment section of every article. He says some variation of it¬†every day for three months and won’t step down, explain his case, or even introduce variation in the wording:

Rey has no character development or depth.

All I can do is blink a few times and remark, “K.” and make this face into the computer screen¬†( Õ°¬į Õú Ė Õ°¬į)

We watched her suffer in the desert. We saw her desperation and loneliness. We watched her mourn and finally let go of her hope on Jakku and start a new life. We saw her struggle with abandonment issues throughout the film and make the decision to do good. We saw her slowly give up waiting on phantoms and pick life on her own terms. We saw her make friends, find courage and strength, get lost in self-doubt along the way, and come face to face with her past. We saw her reform her identity as a force user, experiment with her abilities, use her intelligence and wit to escape, and be saddened by the loss of a father figure. We watched her conquer her fears and tap into her inner strength to take on the dangerous Kylo Ren in order save her friend. We laughed with her, cried with her, feared for her, rooted for her, and cheered for her accomplishments for two riveting hours in IMAX 3-D.

So when you say “Rey has no character development”…..

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Were you asleep? Were you looking around the whole time waiting for the male protagonist to show up? I can’t help you, son.


Return to Nature: A Childhood Fantasy

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I just started watching the final season of Inu Yasha on amazon. This show brought so much natural beauty, vibrant colors, and downright fabulous fabrics into my anime repertoire, not to mention the fictional mancandy who was ready and willing to receive my blossoming female gaze. This was one of those series that I reveled in during youth, bought the plushies and other gear at conventions, and even wrote fanfic. But like most fandoms, I lost touch with it in college. Inu Yasha was important to my youth in many ways, one of those being a bonding opportunity for my brother and I. With six years’ difference, opposing gender perspectives, and a vast landscape of traditional religious repression separating us, we had few places wherein to connect. Saturday night anime was one of those places.

But my family relationships are for another post, another time. What I want to talk about right now are the environmental aspects of the show and what it means directly for my nostalgia as I watch it today. Although it has its own beauty that easily stands alone, Inu Yasha speaks to me so much for the nostalgia factor. This show had its own kind of feminism going on, one which I didn’t fully understand but I at least acknowledged. There was Sango, a mighty warrior who hunted down her enemies and took no prisoners. There was Kikyo, a protector of nature and order who dealt vengeance like the BAMF that she is, not afraid to send an arrow through her own lover’s heart when she was wronged. Then there was Kagome, a like-minded teen lethargic with modern life and who secretly wanted to escape to a time before the modern hubbub, conventions, global conglomerate, and CO2. In the story, this reality is thrust upon her more as a genealogical inevitability, but of course I infused my own traits into my interpretation of her character.

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I call that time the “Lord of the Rings years” because my mindscapes looked more like Rivendell than they did Maryland, USA, and this feudal fantasy-Japan anime fit the pre-technology paradigm for those years too. These were years where I was deeply disillusioned with modern life (as rebellious children desperate for autonomy and feeling emotionally, culturally, spiritually, and sexually repressed by a household whose values they don’t share are wont to be), and thus fell into depression. Blog posts on being an ultra-liberal, atheist, sexually open, feminist hippy in an opposing household are a dime a dozen, the emotional effects of which are almost cliche in their universality. So, no need to tread those grounds. Instead, I’ll discuss the avenue I personally chose: fantasy. Novels, fanfic, TV, movies, and my own imagination.

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Age of Ultron, Its Wins and Its Flaws

As with the first Avengers, Ultron is all about the entertaining little things:

  • Bruce Banner and his beats by dre
  • Trontasha on her troncycle
  • Drunk Avengers having a sleepover at headquarters
  • Samuel L Jackson’s multimillion dollar cameo at the farmhouse just to tell them how much they suck at being Avengers
  • The “lullaby”
  • No one wearing body armor and then getting shot, like of course you got shot, you’re wearing a muscle tee!
  • Trontasha literally riding a cryotube through midair into the back of a plane
  • Hawkeye immediately carving a rocking chair and pulling up plywood when he gets home, like calm down a sec, your friends are over and you just lost a big fight. Take a nap maybe.
  • The balls of saying this scene takes place “off the African coast” like that doesn’t make up the entire circumference of the world in square mileage.
  • Vision. Just…. Vision. (eep!)

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Why Outlander is the Most Refreshing Show On TV Right Now

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Of Parables and Overthinking

exodus

I was laughing about my decision to watch Exodus Gods and Kings drunk the other night with some coworkers, and most laughed with me and understood that it was a bad movie–even if a few hadn’t seen it yet, they knew. They just¬†knew. Everyone knows Exodus is just a bad story. This position doesn’t need empirical evidence….the story¬†is the empirical evidence. It’s no Charles Dickens masterpiece, folks. It’s a few pages of a wealthy heir¬†growing morals upon discovering¬†the suffering peoples have something to do with¬†him. While the Cecil B. DeMille Ten Commandments adds a few extra hours of assumptions to the story (which make it quite enthralling and altogether a great story and film), I think Exodus Gods & Kings¬†does a more honest job (albeit¬†tongue-in-cheek) grappling this, as the film¬†opens with him literally –not figuratively– conquering a village and slaughtering its inhabitants. But they don’t look like him, so it’s all good. Some people will blink at me, though, and simply ask, “What was wrong with Exodus Gods and Kings?” Uh, okay, lady. I don’t have seven hours free tonight, so maybe I’ll let this one go.

It never ceases to amaze me how much thought religious people try to put into a few paragraphs of a story from thousands of years ago, which has ultimately played telephone so many times before it even lands in the hands of a literate person wealthy enough to own paper and ink that it finally gets written down, and then translated and rewritten a few more dozen times until finally Europe sees it and has a meeting about it. “OMG, it’s so deep, what does it mean? There’s so many layers. It’s all about the subtext. What Jesus really means here is that it’s about our feelings, and do unto others, etc.” Ladies and gentlemen, these stories are usually stupid. Here, let me help. The Luke Multitude “parable” is about how all the town idiots didn’t have the foresight, awareness, or perhaps the wherewithal to pack a goddamned lunch when they head across town to attend a sermon. So, Jesus felt bad when his attendees¬†voiced their bellyaching instead of going home and eating like an adult (TM) might think to do rather than inconveniencing the presenter. Jesus caves and pulls¬†some catering out of his ass. The lesson is that if you neglect to bring a lunch and if you whine enough times with enough puppyface frowns, Greg, the office doormat, might just buy you Chipotle to avoid conflict.

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