Conservative Dogma

“I’m against government interference in terms of education, healthcare, and anti-discrimination terms, but we need an absurdly large military and should blindly support the police, but I also need military style weapons to fight the police in case they take my freedom.”

In a nutshell.


Today In The News

Parents who pay men to teach their young girls to be sex objects are shocked when those men treat the young girls like sex objects. *shrug*



Read, Rinse, Repeat Whenever You Start Getting Nostalgic

Imagine spending your whole life with someone who, in the back of their mind, doesn’t think about moving forward with you. Imagine spending your whole life with someone who wanted to leave you–who feels like they should have left you. Remember: even at your best you’ll never be right for the wrong person. – Jay Shetty

Every now and then I need to hear this so that I stop feeling sorry for myself.  I need to continually remind myself that he found a thousand ways over the years to describe why I wasn’t right for him which, with his next girlfriend, didn’t seem to be issues anymore. Remember: if someone doesn’t want to be with you, they will find reasons, as inauthentic as they might be. Listen. Leave.



Where for some reason everyone’s cool with paying for the fire department so strangers don’t die in fires, but the stranger dying of cancer is their own fault and they should start a gofundme.


Google Integration is a Horror Show

I’ve said it many times before, and today I say it again. The Google integration across devices, accounts, and other unrelated websites Is. Too. Much. I don’t want every federal prison employee to become contacts in my phone just because I want to check my work email.

I don’t want the 100k+ strangers I’ve ever mail-merged in Outlook to auto-fill as recipient suggestions for the meme I’m trying to share with friends through other apps.

And I definitely don’t want my ex’s gmail account to keep traveling with me from phone to phone, automatically re-syncing and frankenstein’ing back to life in my Calendar to show me his notes for whenever his secret-gf-I’m-not-supposed-to-know-about is out of town.


Attention Bajoran Workers!

I’ve taken up the mantle of Deep Space Nine. I tolerated occasional re-runs in my youth but never had the means to regularly watch and invest deep. Now, with the powers of Netflix, I’ve watched it from start to finish (sleep was optional). Having devoted a month to this deed, I’m now a committed fan until the end of my days!

On to the shipping! For archival purposes and for posterity’s pleasure, here are my three favorite pairings in no particular order:

  • Garak and Bashir
  • Gul Dukat and Weyoun
  • Jadzia and Worf

And let me tell you I am certainly not the only one. The fanart for the first two in particular is buckets of fun. I’m aware they’re canonical stretches; however, if you do not allow your Cardassian supervisors these harmless whimsies, we will be forced to take action.

Thank you and good night.

Dating Requirement #1

No emotional disorders.

“But people with blahblahblah need love too–”

✋ I’ve done my time. I don’t need to devote my entire fucking life to charity.


Fuck Debt

Millennial student and credit card (also related to being a student) debts are difficult to tackle as a single-person household. The great thing about marrying young is the ability to be each other’s safety net and pool resources. So, still being single at 31 means I’ve been racing from behind on the hurdles others have been able to face together for so long. I’ve missed out on the safety net and the help. And, the relationships I did have were siphons, so the debt has been compounding even as I’ve made consistent payments over the years, tackling them alone. (It’s not all woe-is-me… I also lived beyond my means, and I own that).

It’s been so difficult getting anywhere resembling progress when next month’s interest fee is as much as this month’s maximum payment working two jobs and 80 to 100 hours a week. I’m even allowing the National Institute of Health to inject me with malaria for clinical trial money. Sorry, Boomers, but despite your sincerest and malicious hopes, I’m not floundering for lack of effort, focus, or ingenuity.

All in all, my credit might be in the toilet, but at least I’ve never missed a loan payment. Eventually in life it has to count for something that I’m the type of person who regularly works 48 hours straight over her weekend at a second or third job rather than be delinquent on a loan payment. (Right? RIGHT????)


Facebook is a Cesspool


At least we know that none of the figures in this painting authored the document in the first place 😂

How can these people be so proud to have strong convictions about a few lines of text they know so little about? Can they name even three other amendments? Just three! How about identifying the most important ones, like the one that abolished slavery and the one that granted women the right to vote? $100 says they can’t.

Every “gun rights” pontiff on the Constitution, in summary: “Militia? Naw, the 2nd amendment definitely says we all have the right to bear arms and junkz. I haven’t read it since middle school, but I am 110% sure that’z whut it sayz. And there’s, like, some other amendments too, but I dunno what they are. The 2nd is the MOST important to me, a white person under no threats whatsoever.”

Week 1 on Bumble

It had been over a year, so Cyan convinced me to download an app and try again. Ehhhh. Okay. What harm can it do?

So, let’s say I’m a man on a dating site. From a week on bumble, I deduce I am either a medical sales rep or a financial adviser, but either way I definitely have a pic of myself at machu picchu.  (Seriously, every fourth swipe has one. Where do they get the money? I have to drive Lyft every night if I want to buy groceries.)

Here are the other pics on my hypothetical dude pages.

hip mike/john, works in tech:

  • posing next to my dog (why does every man in their thirties have a dog? I can smell the wet dog wafting from your photostream because I KNOW you don’t bathe him/her every week. Never met a man who could even keep up with his own trash and dishes, much less bathe his pet on a schedule.)
  • holding a child that makes you think boy he has that hot dad look and then “NIECE/NEPHEW” in the comments that promises you won’t be a homewrecker

financier chad, venture capitalist or broker

  • on another mountain that’s NOT machu picchu (okay but I like the mountain ones :D)
  • at dinner with my ex cropped out (I like these too because the food always looks good. Moar food pics!)
  • next to my more attractive friend (who’s your friend? Is he on here?)

trashy jake, loves freedom and women with tats

  • with my favorite sports team jersey
  • in my bathroom mirror
  • holding a dead fish next to my head
  • posing with my guns

Stepping back from the satire for a moment, real talk: I am getting suspicious of the men of Bumble. Many of them are incredibly hot–like, stop swiping and just make noises with your teeth levels of hot. So, I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with them that they’re on here swiping for strangers. Chauvinists? Narcissists? Chronic bad breath? A persistent lisp? Racist? Generally intolerable IRL? Why can’t they find love without algorithms? I’m swiping their tight asses and topknots, to be sure. But….. the grains of salt I’m collecting along the way could season a Thanksgiving dinner. Update: I figured out why they are undateable: crippling self-esteem problems. It’s dick pic city out here. Y’all, this is not how you talk to women 😂 (Also, to the giant viking dudes, we know what it’s going to look like. On top of rude it’s just completely redundant.)

P.S. – Leave comments with egregious stereotypes of women’s profiles; I would love to read them! This is an equal-opportunity shaming thread 😂 


Spotify is dangerous, kids.

Oh man. Storytime. I innocently fell in love with a silky smooth singing progressive rock band (Wytch Hazel, if you’re curious). I’ve been jamming to them smiting demons, conquering in battle, and crowning their mighty king for two days. It finally hit me: Waaait. This is one mighty king in particular.

So, this is totally a Christian rock band 😒. They reel you in with that baritone crooning and the guitar licks of Satan, and before you know it you’re knocking on your neighbor’s door asking them about their relationship with skylords.

Oh well, I guess I love Christ now. Can I call him Christ? Or is it The Christ? Whaddup, The Christ?

God damn it. My band of the week is a Christian Rock Band singin’ about psalms. This is new territory.


Bad Habits

I’ve pulled enough all-nighters at work to know the exact moment I’ll be kicked off the server for it’s nightly backup routine (4:48) for approximately 25 to 35 minutes, also known as forced naptime. And let me say, this morning’s forced naptime. was. glorious.


Turning 31 Starter Kit

Dear world,

On this, my 31st trip around the sun, I want to announce that I am undyingly devoted to my weird-ass friends, who fill every day with laughter, previously unsaid sentences in human history, and utter happiness. I wouldn’t trade a single bizarre moment with these hooligans for a million bucks, and I don’t spew wholesome content like this nearly often enough to deserve them. Now, let’s go drink beer and throw axes in the forest while blasting Swiss folk metal.

P.S.: Pour one out real quick for this year’s starter kit


Ladies and gentlemen, take this wisdom

I learned this lesson as a wee lass, but I pass it down to you, the next generation.


It seems like a good idea when you’ve got nothing going on. I assure you, it isn’t. Back away from the stud from accounting and rethink your life. Even a decade down the line, that fateful day/week/month fling will still annoy the shit out of you.

Day 402

In Trump’s America, where knowing nothing about the world beyond the tip of your own nose is a compliment rather than an insult, I think about how we got here. While wallowing in the willful stupidity of this era’s heralds and princes, I often flashback to funny moments where my family exhibited the same confident ignorance that’s become an American cliche. For example, one time my brother asked me why I was wearing Arabic lettering around my neck. His voice disapproving, his toe tapping, waiting for an answer…. You know those slippery slope universities just pump out liberal-indoctrinated terrorist sympathizers. I guess he wanted to know why I supported ISIS?

It was an Om necklace I wear during yoga practice…. one of the most innocuous and well recognized symbols anywhere in the world (and Sanskrit to boot). The greatest part of this story? Years later, he works for the bureau. It’s a bumbling American sitcom in action. These are the people who can muster the nuance to discern carolina from memphis bbq but will insist that Sikhs blow up airplanes and casually suggest that African nations get over that whole colonization followed by power vacuum inter-tribal warfare thing and get those economies pumping in order to be respected on the global stage.


%d bloggers like this: