Tag Archives: health nut

Frootcamp: Week 4, Pomegranate


“Mary, the 4th letter of the alphabet is D”. I know, ass hat. But seriously, dates can go to hell. I am not eating dates. Now a dragonfruit? I’ll take my chances, because, dragons. A store that would actually sell a dragonfruit out of season, however, is on the other side of town, and for some reason pomegranates were on sale at my local mart. Opportunity presented itself.

So I tried the pom, and well, well, well…. we have a sly one. The good news is that once I peeled it up and drained the seeds, I found the fruit actually to be quite delicious albeit exhausting to eat. This might be the least satisfying fruit in existence. I spent 20 minutes carefully separating the arils from the peels under water and picking tiny peel floaters out. Finally, I spooned the arils into my mouth–but lo! What’s this that raps at my teeth? They are but seeds, denying my mouth the pleasure of eating my hard-earned arils with abandon. No, that would be too simple. I have to carefully lower my teeth and let the 1/8th of a spoonful of juice pop out of them, slush their remains around in my mouth, and then spit out the seeds like I’m at a Yankees game. I thought pomegranate would be a refined, dandy fruit to eat, but it turned into a messier sunflower seed experience. I have purple splatters all over my t-shirt, by the way. Thank you for squirting your violent resistance on my clothing as I peeled you, pomegranate. I didn’t need this shirt for work or anything.

Can we talk about how much my intestines regret everything about this week? This horrible week that fate pulled together and tied into one? Can we talk about what the hell pomegranates do to digestive systems? And how I drank a bottle of [diaretic] pomegranate juice to go with my pomegranate seeds the same week I started fiber pill regimens and happened to also buy “fiber plus” brand sandwich bread? Because Activia didn’t make me miserable enough? I’m going to bed. Wake me up when week 5 is here, because I will slay the shit out of a dragon[fruit].

Frootcamp: Week 3, Cantaloupe

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck this shit. Oh my sweet mother jones, this is the most disgusting fruit I’ve ever had. All I could do was grimace as I tried to chew up my first piece. It took about three minutes of grumpy chewing before I could bear to swallow it. I have an entire sphere of this horror left. Cantaloupe, why do you look like a diseased brain on the outside? Why do you look cute like a pumpkin on the inside only then to taste like the slimy insides of an animal carcass? The entire kitchen smells of its over ripe juice, which now coats the sink, the trash can, and Matt’s arms. My manfriend was kind enough to slice it up for me, as I’m sure I wouldn’t have had the fortitude to complete the labor. I surely would have ducked out when the time came  to scoop out the slimy, seeded innards. Vegetables don’t give you this kind of trouble. This is why vegetables and I work so well. That shit is ready to eat. Just rinse and put it in your mouth. Dip it. Tempura it. Put it on a sandwich. You really can’t go wrong with a veggie. If I even make it through a second helping of this damned cantaloupe, I would be shocked and quite impressed with myself. Seriously, though, I am stopping for now. My pride is NOT worth this cold, sticky goop. Are you a liquid or a solid, cantaloupe? Figure it out!

OH LAWD it smells like trash… like gallons of day old, left-outside-in-the-sun garbage. This is why I don’t care for Bath & Body stores…. you walk in, and its all vanilla this, cinnamon that, and then WHAM! “Here are 30 aisles of melon lotions, fanks for shopping!”

Frootcamp: Week 2, Banana

Ugh, this thing is mushy as hell. In my mouth it feels like something that maybe used to be a solid in the scientific sense, but now it’s mid-transformation to a liquid at the bottom of an ocean. I’ve had this banana bunch three days and it already has bruising. YOU’VE DONE NOTHING BUT SIT IN MY HANGING BASKET, ass hole, how are you bruised? I swear, it was a perfect bunch when I brought it home, all greenish and smooth and on its journey to ripen. I was ready to tackle Frootcamp with a beloved tropical fruit that would likely be the least of my burden. But then you had to be bruised, mushy, and altogether banana-like in my mouth.

Why does everyone like you? Why do the Bluths have an entire business based around you? Why does everyone want to put you in their ice cream and pancakes? Those sugary carb havens are perfect by themselves without being tainted by your presence. I thought eating you for a week might help me understand, but I am no closer to learning your secrets than before. A bunch of great things are named after you, banana. Banana slugs, for instance. Banana peppers. And delicious things regularly rise from the ashes of your ruined, dead remains, like banana bread. So, my question is this: why must you suck so much in your true form?

Doing this to it might help..... (SeriousEats.com)

Doing this to it might help….. too bad that would defeat the “healthy” aspect of my labor. Drats!(SeriousEats.com)

Despite my qualms I’ve now successfully eaten bananas for breakfast, paired with my trusty vanilla Activia (thanks for your concern for my bowels, Jamie Lee Curtis!), for four weekdays in a row. To commemorate my first day I wrote a (non-syllabic rule conforming) haiku:

I tried a banana today
I delt with it and finished the entire fruit

Indeed, even though it’s Week 2, apple week wasn’t really “progress”, as I can eat the shit out of an apple crisp when I smother it in brown sugar, and truth be told I picked up an apple habit 6 months ago during my intensified workout regimen. I consider tackling the radioactive mush that is a banana to be my first sign of true progress. Actually… I have a long history with bananas in cloth form. I inherited a banana suit from a college friend in 2008. I then proceeded to wear it to townhouse parties, Halloween drinkathons, and two separate anime conventions, because…. who doesn’t like someone in a full body banana suit? No one, that’s who.


Didn’t believe me, did you? This is a particular moment I don’t remember from 2008, followed by the creation of a header and profile picture.

Frootcamp: Week 1, Apple

In anticipation I technically started Frootcamp during the final week of 2012 to get a head start. Apples aren’t so arduous an ingestion as I anticipate the other fruits to be, but still obnoxious enough to complain about. First of all, it’s not apple season, and so these pups are expensive. Secondly, they are not filling whatsoever. I suppose the same can be said for all fruits…. Has a fruit ever made you feel full? Has it even contributed to your feelings of satisfaction after a lunch? I’m certainly not experiencing that.

Two good things about apples: variety and their baking potential. So far this week I’ve had two galas, a green, and then another gala. If this were autumn I’d throw in a honeycrisp, as I hear those are the best. Interesting factoid: this apple week is not so arduous for a third reason. I actually took up apples last fall in an effort to eat healthier during my gym’scapades. In that time I tried both honeycrisps and galas and dealt with them frequently. Eating apples was actually one of the pushes to inspire this 2013 undertaking. In my youth my mother made apple pies, dumplings, and crisps. I engaged in the dessert ritual of smothering them with brown sugar and oatmeal. Eating them raw currently is not difficult per se due to my history with apples, but it’s still a chore. Maybe by the end of the week my opinion will change…… Here’s to hoping!

Introducing my 2013 New Year task: Eat the shit out of my least favorite food group


Keeping track of this nonsense:

A – apple

B – banana, blackberry, blueberry

C – cantaloupe

D – dates

E – elderberry


G – grapefruit

H – horned melon



K – kumquat



N – nectarine


P – pomegranate


R – raspberry





W – watermelon




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